I have realized that lately when I have quiet time or when I am waiting to fall asleep and thinking I often find my thoughts turned to my dad. Then when I began to think about what happened and that he is gone I automatically divert my own thinking. I am not sure if this is what you would call denial or not, but the more I notice it the more I think, "Why cannot I not just let myself think things through?" Just the other night when I was laying down to take a nap after I had put Kenya down I was going through this thought processes and told myself, just let it happen, but then I convinced myself that it was not a good time because I was all alone and what if I when I began to allow things to happen I felt like I needed someone. It was just an excuse I am sure.
I don't feel like I am denying that my dad has died, but it does not feel real yet and I am not sure I want it to feel real yet.
Really, I don't know what is going on and I am afraid of how I will feel if I let these feelings out. I guess I will see.
avoidance. not denial...and yeah, it's because it usually comes at really inconvenient times. I've a had a friend around in the evening before it's time to sleep and if I relax and just start talking then it comes out sometimes. Often in the form of stories about dad, leading to emotions....I always feel better and sleep much better. Anyway, give it a shot...helps me sometimes. But yeah, you need someone who can be there and is okay if you send them off as well. Love you
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