So, I have been trying to allow myself to mourn and to let the death of my dad "set in." I had a couple days 2 weeks ago where I just let the tears come. One night Robert had no idea what to do. I just needed to let the tears come, so I did for about 30 minutes. (I like to tell myself that the tears are exaggerated by my pregnancy, but I am not sure that is entirely true.) My brother, Josh stopped by on Easter and we chatted about things then too. I realized that I do not really know how to mourn or in what ways I can/need to express my feelings about his death death. I am guessing maybe everyone goes through this the first time they loose someone so close. I just wish I did not have to at the age of 27.
So, here I am on my journey still trying to figure out how to handle this for the rest of my life and also how it will affect me for the rest of my life. I am feeling that with all this talk of a memorial and everything that maybe it will have some impact on the way I feel.
I bore my testimony on the joys that family brings to your life. I still cannot get that mental images of dad greeting and interacting with Kenya and the joy it brought to his face! And in turn to mine! I am so glad that I was able to witness this with Kenya, I know he would have reacted the same way with all of my children.
It's hard. I was fine for weeks and then went to the temple and totally broke down like it was all brand new. I've felt him here a few times. I found "chester fried" chicken breading at a store the other day and wanted to be able to share with him that I had found it. A friend here who lost her Dad unexpectedly a year ago (and others) told me that every now and then it will just hit you again. I thought, sure every now and then something will remind me of him and I'll think I miss him... No they really mean, that every now and then it can hit you like it's all brand new again and it's like you're hearing he's gone all over again. Don't worry about whether you are or are not mourning properly. There's no such thing. I've kind of gone through the steps, but it's not just a go through them in this order and then you're done. I'm finding that on different days I'm in different phases of the process. Some days I don't think about him at all, others I'm wanting to just go home and be held. Some days I'm angry for the loss, some just moments of profound sadness. I'm having a hard time believing/accepting that he's gone and that he's not just here somewhere, that he'll never be at another family gathering again, etc. (at least not physically) You can travel around throughout the steps (denial, anger, ...) for the rest of your life I'm starting to think. Don't stress about it. It's okay to feel nothing, to be angry, to be sad, whatever you feel. Your feelings are your feelings and whatever they are at any particular time is valid and okay. If you aren't moping around that is okay and if you feel like moping about it (for a bit) that is okay too. Call if you need/want to talk.
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