Devastated!

Devastated! I feel horrible, but something just was not right about us going to Montana. I am missing my own fathers memorial. I want to be there and I want to be there for my mom and other family that is going to be able to go, but really it just didn't seem right to go.
There are a million reasons to go and only one reason not to. It seems my life has been this way ever since before we left China. We have been making decisions against what seems the most logical and beneficial for us, but we know it is the right decision. The same things has happened with this decision. It seems that nothing bad will come from going and there are TONS of good things that will come from going. The hard part is that by making the right decision often we never know the outcome of "what if" I did go. Most of the time I am okay with that too, but when it is happening this frequent it is hard not to look back and think about what could have been, but most often when I think about what could have been I think about all the positives that could have been and often overlook the what "could have gone wrongs". And it is those "could have gone wrongs" that are probably the reason the Lord helped us make those decisions in the first place. I guess I am just rambling, but felt I needed to get the disappointment off of my chest and maybe writing it out will help.
I hope all goes well in Montana for Mom and that everyone will have a good time! I am grateful for the man my father was because I know that he would understand and not be offended in anyway!